How Robin Got His Minstrels
by Kariki Neroli
Summary: Spamalot Fic. The exciting tale of how Robin got those annoying little buggers that follow him around singing. Almost naughty words and the attempted abuse of Minstrels.


Disclaimer: I don't own Spamalot or anything Monty Python related (except for a bunch of DVDs and I paid for those).

"I don't see what's wrong with those knights and ladies." Lancelot stated as they 'rode' through Camelot. "They always appear when you start to sing."

"It's just not the same, Lance." Robin sighed. "Back up singers and dancers are all fine and good but they do it for everyone..."

"And you want your own set back up singers and dancers?"

"Yes, exactly. Like how you wanted your own 'horse'/servant." Robin looked back at Concorde who smiled back, steadily clapping his coconut halves together.

"Ah, I see." Lancelot nodded and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I know a fantastic pet store..."

"Minstrels aren't pets, Lance." Robin sighed, having explained this once before.

"It's where I got Concorde."

"Minstrels are human be- ...You got Concord at a pet shop?" Robin looked back at Concord once more who only shrugged. "What kind of pet shop is it?"

"A very good one." Lancelot smiled cheerfully.

Robin stared at him before deciding he didn't want to know.

"Oh, this is hopeless!" Robin groaned in frustration. They had searched for hours but all the minstrels they had found were awful. They couldn't sing or play their instruments and dancing was completely out of the question. Night had fallen an hour before and Robin's stomach felt as if it were trying to eat itself.

He and Lance were now sitting on a low wall of a bridge with an exhausted Concorde seated on the ground by their feet, leaning against stone.

"Well, there's still that pet - " Lancelot tried again.

"We're not going to a pet shop!"

"Fine, fine." Lancelot pouted and picked at a loose thread on his tabard. "I'm sure there are a few places still open... Concorde should be well rested by now."

Concorde's head snapped up in alarm.

"Err... maybe a little more rest." Robin smiled at the relieved servant who leaned by against the wall.

"Well, we promised would be back before sunrise." Lancelot reminded his fellow knight. "So unless these minstrels fall out of the sky, we need to go back to searching."

"I suppose so..." Robin reluctantly. He wasn't looking forward to it if the last batch of minstrels were anything to go by.

"Stop that! Stop that at once!"

Lancelot and Robin jolted in surprise and turned to see a very irate man chasing a small group of four - all clad in similar costumes and carrying instruments.

"Now, the fates have decided to mock me." Robin sighed as the minstrels stopped under their bridge.

" - Was conked on the head and kicked out of his home - "

"I'm warning you!" The man advanced on the minstrels who kept playing regardless of their lord's outrage.

" - when the mistress found him with the maid instead - "

The man lunged at the lead minstrel who ducked out of the way.

" - was conked on the head as soon as she found him in the maid's bed - "

The man growled in rage and lunged and missed again.

" - Oh, Faithful Sir Henry was caught diddling about and fooling around and fuc - Hey!"

The man grabbed the lead minstrel's tambourine and yanked it out of his grasp. The other minstrels stopped playing, gasping at the sight of someone actually treating their instruments with such carelessness.

"Ha! That got you to shut up, didn't it?!" The man held out of the minstrel's reach as he desperately tried to get it back.

"S-should we help?" Robin asked, watching the scene from above.

"Suppose so. Chivalry and all that." Lancelot drew his sword.

"Give it back!" The minstrel was half climbing the taller man as he tried to reach the tambourine.

The man snarled and roughly pushed the minstrel away, sending him toppling to the ground. The man waved the tambourine tauntingly over the minstrel's head turning and throwing it toward the bridge.

Two things happened. The tambourine's owner screamed and Robin, suddenly faced with a flying tambourine coming straight toward him, screamed as well and grabbed the instrument before it could hit his face. He fumbled with the tambourine, trying not to drop the instrument. The tambourine slipped from his hands and almost fell over the side of the bridge. Robin leaned forward, catching the tambourine and, as a result toppled over himself.

"Robin!" Lance looked over the side of the bridge to see Robin, nervously climbing to his feet.

The minstrels looked at Robin with wide eyed wonder - taking in the rescued instrument and the knightly attire. They helped their leader stand as they continued to stare at Robin. They looked toward their master, then back at Robin before darting forward and behind Robin.

"Eep! W-What are you doing?" Robin looked over his shoulder at the cowering minstrels but their eyes were focused on their master.

The man glared at Robin.

"Who are you to interfere?"

"Interfere? I'm not interfering!" Robin laughed nervously.

"He's a knight!" One of the minstrels - Robin couldn't see which one - answered.

"He rescued the Tambourine!"

"And he has a sword!"

"Shut up!" Robin looked back at the minstrels, panicking now.

"He's a knight?" The man scoffed.

"No!... Yes, I-I'm a knight of the round table..." Robin stuttered.

The man laughed.

"A knight - you? You look ready to scamper away like a frightened rabbit!"

Robin looking indignant.

"I do not! I-I just so happen to be a-a very brave knight!" _i Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. /i _"I-I've slain monsters! Terrible monsters!" i _I have the scars from the pecking to prove it!_ /i

"And what is the name of the so terribly brave knight?" The man mocked, moving forward - causing Robin to back away.

"R-Robin..."

"Brave Sir Robin!" the Minstrels chorused.

The man lunged forward, his arms up and hands held like claws. "Boo!"

"Gah!" Robin dropped the tambourine he had been clutching onto for dear life and jumped back, tripped over the minstrels sending all five of them fell to the ground.

The man roared with laughter.

"Well, i _Brave_ /I Sir Robin." The man drew his sword. "I challenge you for daring to interrupt the _i discussion_ /I I was having with my minstrels." He leered.

"C-Challenge?" Robin repeated, going pale. "A-as in a duel kind of... challenge?" he asked meekly.

"He accepts!"

"What?!" he whipped around to start incredulously at the minstrels.

"You must show that brute once and for all that Bravery and Chivalry always triumphs!" The lead minstrel stated and turned Robin back around to face. "Show that unfaithful man slut -"

"Oy!"

"-that a knight of your caliber would never back down from a challenge issued by the likes of him!"

Robin stared at the minstrel, panic clear on his features.

"A-are you sure t-that's necessary? I-I'm sure h-he's learned his lesson..."

"Nay, Brave Sir Robin!" The Minstrel continued. "The only thing that cretin understands is violence! Bloody, painful, violence!"

"Painful?" Robin squeaked.

"Very Painful!" The Minstrel assured him. "Now draw your mighty sword, oh, Knight and do battle!" The minstrel quickly retreated behind Robin once more.

Robin stood there a moment, petrified, before one of the minstrels poked him in the back. He glanced back at the minstrels and then at the man in front of him who was twirling his very sharp sword in a very bored manner. Robin gulped and slowly pulled his own sword free.

The man smirked at the awkward way the knight held his sword as if he were going to use it as a shield. The man skillfully twirled his sword, watching in amusement as the knight flinched. His amusement was short lived as a glint of light beyond the knight and his former minstrels drew his attention.

A second knight in a black and white tabard stood just behind them, his sword drawn and a very menacing expression was on his face. The knight had his arms crossed and the blade of his sword tapping against his shoulder in a deceptively bored fashion. There was a griffin embroidered on the knight's chest.

Lancelot. Tales of the knight's homicidal acts of bravery ran through his head. If Lancelot was here to back up his fellow knight...

Lancelot slowly uncrossed his arms and moved to hold the sword properly.

"I-It would s-seem I owe you an a-apology." The man stammered, quickly lowering his sword. The green checkered knight stared at him in awe. "I-I didn't realize who I was dealing with."

Robin stared at the man for a moment before lowering his own sword.

"Um, yes, well, it's quite a common mistake." Robin puffed his chest out a bit. "Assuming I'm an easy target but once they see my manly fighting pose, they quickly reconsider."

The man stared at Robin for a moment before looking back toward the more dangerous knight. Lancelot nodded toward him pointedly.

"Yes. I-I've realized my mistake a-and will not go think about what I've done." The man bowed hurriedly before running from the scene.

The street was silent for a moment.

"Brave Sir Robin has rescued us!" The Minstrels flocked around Robin, awe in their eyes. "Brave Sir Robin!"

"We pledge our allegiance to you, Brave Knight." the Lead Minstrel exclaimed. "We shall spend the rest of our days singing of your adventures!"

"Oh, I-I don't think there's any need for that." Robin blushed.

"No, No, it is the least we can do after you defended us so well." The minstrel insisted, staring at Robin with large, hopeful brown eyes.

"W-well, I was looking for some minstrels..."

"Huzzah!" The minstrels cheered.

"Robin! There you are." Lancelot finally walked forward as sheathed his sword, satisfied now that the man that had been threatening his friend was gone. "Ah, I see you've found some minstrels."

"Um, yes." Robin grinned before knelling down to retrieve the tambourine he had dropped earlier. He turned toward the tambourine's owner and handed the instrument to him. "I believe this is yours."

The lead minstrel stared at Robin with something akin to worship as he slowly took the beloved tambourine from the knight.

"Well, that was quite a bit of fun, wasn't it?" Lancelot announced clapped Robin on the back cheerfully.

"Yes, quite. Fun." Robin laughed uneasily.

"And you, Robin. Taking that man on by yourself."

Robin flushed. "You saw that?"

"Every bit of it." Lancelot smirked, draping an arm around Robin's shoulders. "Wait till the other knights hear of it."

"Oh, I'm sure there's no need to tell them..."

"Of course there is!" Lancelot smiled, dragging Robin with him as he started the journey back to the castle. "They'll want to hear all about it."

The two knights stopped as the first notes of what would soon be a very well known song (at least among those of Camelot) was heard.

"Boldly Brave Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot."


End file.
